Fake It Until You Make It
by Red Witch
Summary: The Figgis Agency decides to get back to basics in order to get ahead.


** The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is off doing some shenanigans again. Now we know that the agency is a spy agency in the future. But how did they become a spy agency again? They had to start somewhere on the long road back to New York. Here's my interpretation of how they started clawing their way back. Takes place right after Le Requin Strikes. **

**Fake It Until You Make It **

"Hey Lana," Pam called out from the couch on the bullpen. "What's shaking?"

"Some people's necks if I don't get any answers," Lana glared at her.

"Uh what do you mean?" Cyril asked nervously. The rest of the Figgis Agency was in the bullpen as well.

"I happened to catch a little blurb on the news," Lana folded her arms. "About a hit and run that occurred right in front of this agency."

"Told you we'd be on the news," Pam said to the others.

"I saw Cyril talking to the police and what I assume was an undercover CIA agent with a Glock on the news," Lana said.

"FBI actually," Cyril winced.

"Cyril," Lana asked. "Why were not only the police here yesterday, but people from the FBI? For a simple hit and run which I'm guessing wasn't so simple?"

"Because," Cyril told her. "We were doing some bounty hunting. We caught a wanted assassin named Le Requin, AKA the Shark. AKA Deadly Shark. Who is now DOA after escaping our agency."

"Mr. Deadly Shark got hit by a bus when he wasn't looking both ways while crossing the street as we were chasing him," Ray explained. "By Shark Bus Lines if you can believe it."

"The authorities did," Pam added. "Great lie, Cyril. That was truly inspired."

"Well I had to come up with **something** fast when I realized he had our business card!" Cyril protested.

"Which leads me to my next question," Lana sighed. "What **really happened?"**

"Mr. Deadly Shark kidnapped us to try to get to Archer," Pam explained. "He let us go when he found out A, that Archer was in a coma. And B, most of the assholes here wanted him dead as well."

"Technically I never said I wanted Archer **dead,"** Krieger spoke up. "Well permanently."

"You just want him dead long enough to reanimate him into a stupid cyborg!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "We know!"

"In other words, you lied to cover your asses," Lana sighed.

"Don't take that tone with me Lana," Cyril gave her a look. "Remind me again about the Brownie Brouhaha? How **that** started? And how you used **that **to leverage yourself into County Day's PTA?"

"Point taken," Lana admitted.

"And it turns out we qualified for the bounty on the Deadly Shark's head!" Pam added. "We're getting fifty grand!"

"From the FBI?" Lana was stunned.

"No, from the Dry Cleaners International Association," Pam grinned. "Turns out the guy the Shark killed was a big wig in that group."

"They left a very lovely review on that detective agency ranking website," Krieger nodded as he pointed to a laptop. "We may move up because of that!"

"I remember that guy," Lana realized. "Wasn't he like the Brett of the assassination business? Always getting injured or shot?"

"Yup," Krieger nodded. He looked at the computer. "Hey, we got another positive review. Who's **this guy**?"

Lana looked at the computer. "Oh him. I know who that is. I selected his two kids for County Day and I talked up the Figgis Agency to him. Said he'd leave a review about our investigative work."

"_Seriously?"_ Ray asked.

"Well nobody wants to pay cash anymore for bribes," Lana admitted. "Ever since…you know?"

"This could bump our ratings up," Krieger said. "I'm all for it!"

"Maybe we've been going about this all wrong?" Cyril thought.

"Duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "What are we talking about?"

"Maybe instead of taking any job that comes our way…?" Cyril thought aloud. "That we make up jobs for ourselves?"

"What does **that** mean?" Ray asked.

"And why does that make me feel nervous?" Lana asked.

"Let's be honest," Cyril said. "This town is full of a lot of dishonest people. We know a **lot **of dishonest people. Hell, a lot of them are downright crooks!"

"Including the people in this room," Ray admitted.

"He's not wrong," Pam agreed.

Cyril went on. "What if we investigated those people, we know…Or have a connection to…And find out dirt on them? And then turn them into the authorities for a reward!"

"There are a lot of people we still have a grudge against," Pam realized. "Like those clowns that held us hostage and got us shot. I wouldn't mind a rematch against their asses."

"That guy who ran our armory and stole it…" Krieger realized. "To go into the arms dealing business…"

"I know a lot of rich bitches that I wouldn't mind seeing behind bars," Cheryl spoke up. "Less competition for me!"

"We do seem to make the most money when we steal and embezzle outright," Ray mused. "Like all those things we stole from other people? And sold on either Venice Beach or E-Bay."

"Or the pawn shop a couple blocks away," Krieger nodded. "Just the other day Vinnie was telling me we were his best suppliers."

"We've been here over a year and our agency is almost at the same level we were at since **day one!"** Cyril snapped. "I say screw it and do what we do best."

"Basically, you want us to lie, cheat, steal and betray everyone around us in order for us to improve our careers and make a quick buck?" Lana asked. "I'm in."

"Hang on," Cheryl did a double take. "You're not going to make some lame ass protest about how immoral this all is?"

"Nope," Lana shook her head. "I'm **done** with these Mickey Mouse assignments, insane scams and tolerating the hypocritical self-centered racist assholes in this city. Anything we can do to take them down is fine by me."

"Oh, then you're gonna **love **this," Pam grinned. "Remember when Cheryl and I took the day off?"

"You're going to have to be more specific than that," Ray told her.

Pam went on. "Anyway, Cheryl and I were in a mood. We were talking and…"

"We realized we had a lot of people on our enemies list that we hadn't dealt with yet," Cheryl spoke up.

"You have an _enemies list?"_ Ray did a double take.

"You **don't?**" Cheryl asked.

Ray shrugged. "Point taken."

"Any-who," Pam went on. "Remember the Zizzners?"

"The assholes who tried to hire us for their weird sex games and we ended up spending the night in jail because of the brawl in the Hotel Swindon?" Lana folded her arms.

"Thanks for the recap," Cheryl spoke up. "We heard that Long Water really cut into their wealth but they were still hanging on by the tips of their fingers. So we stomped on those fingers and they fell off a cliff."

"Metaphorically," Pam said as she turned on the TV. "Watch. We recorded this."

A shot of the Zissner being handcuffed and arrested in front of their yacht was shown. "This is Grace Ryan with Wolf News," A familiar red-haired reporter spoke. "Authorities arrested movie producer and director Donald Zissner and his wife Barbie on charges of tax evasion and fraud. Thanks to an anonymous tipster."

"It was us," Cheryl spoke up.

"Duh!" Ray rolled his eyes.

"However that is only the beginning of this story," Grace reported. "Using a warrant for their Malibu home, authorities discovered several disturbing items in the Zinsser's safe. Volumes of underage pornography, some snuff films featuring some missing people, a tax record book labeled _**Real Financial Records Do Not Show To The IRS**__, _several passports with assumed names, as well as several diamonds and gold coins. But the most disturbing discovery was the shrunken head of famed missing Hollywood director William G. Williamson."

"Dukes…" Ray gasped.

"Holy…" Lana's jaw dropped.

"Williamson of course is best known for co-directing the first Sharknoid movie with Zissner," Grace reported. "And was Zizzner's business partner until mysteriously disappearing in the Amazon jungle during the filming of the sequel: Sharknoid 2 Blood On The Water."

"That explains the shrunken head," Cyril winced.

"Well duh!" Cheryl said. "You have to shrink it in order to preserve it and make it fit in the safe! Everybody knows that!"

"Holy shit," Lana whistled. "How did you two **do **this?"

"It was easy," Cheryl waved. "Following Barbie's Instant Gram account, we learned when they would be out of their house. We posed as maids from a cleaning service. Snuck into the study. Downloaded a shit load of information onto a disc. Walked out. Had lunch. Made our way to the local chapter of the IRS and gave an agent the disc and told them we represented the Figgis Agency. He verified the data. Collected a twenty-grand reward. Went out to a bar to celebrate with drinks and then to a strip club. Easy peasy."

"_Seriously?"_ Lana was stunned.

"You two downloaded incriminating evidence from the Zinsser's computer?" Ray was stunned. "It wasn't that long ago that Cheryl didn't even know how to **turn on** a computer!"

"I've been taking lessons," Cheryl said. "Those Dummies books are very helpful."

"They sure know their target audience," Krieger remarked. "But seriously? You two hacked into a computer?"

"Well, we had a little help," Pam admitted.

FLASHBACK!

"No, I don't mind helping," Mitsuko said as she hovered over a desk in a fancy study. "Mitsuko likes taking down jerks. Especially if they no think my Krieger-san is sexy!"

"So, are you two back together?" Pam asked. She was wearing a cleaning maid's outfit. "Or…?"

"It's complicated," Mitsuko shrugged before she jumped into the computer.

Then she jumped out. "But this computer program isn't. Easy to crack!"

"Jackpot," Pam grinned.

"Speaking of which," Cheryl had pried open a drawer. She was also in a maid's uniform. "Hey! There's a lot of stamps in here."

"Might as well take 'em," Pam said. "At least it will keep Cyril from whining about stamps."

FLASHFORWARD!

"Before I forget," Pam took some stamp books out of her pocketbook. "For you Cyril."

"Thank you," Cyril took them gratefully.

"We know how expensive stamps are," Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"Hey, it's one way of keeping costs down," Cyril told them. "These stamps alone must be worth at least a hundred and fifty dollars."

"Wow, stamps really are expensive," Cheryl blinked. "The postal service must be ripping people off big time."

"Okay now we have a new business model," Cyril said. "We're still a detective/consulting/research agency…"

"We **are?**" Pam asked.

"We _were?_" Krieger asked.

"We're pretty much anything we need to be," Cyril admitted with a shrug.

"Except of course, law abiding citizens," Lana sighed.

"Solving crimes is **not** our forte…" Ray remarked. "Committing them on the other hand…"


End file.
